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Kyle's words contain graphic references to self-harm and suicide.
Kyle
I started cutting when I was 16. It started out as just little scratches on my arms because a boy broke up with me, and I was very sad about it. And I had a lot of friends in high school who did it, and they talked to me about it, and I was like, Oh, maybe it'll help.
And it's actually part of my coming out story, weirdly, because when it was discovered that I was doing it, I was sent to the guidance counselor and my parents were called and I didn't want to tell them it was because a boy broke up with me. I was afraid that they would never let me date again.
So I instead told them it was because I was gay. My mom was really cool about it. The gay thing, not the cutting thing. And then it just kind of got worse and worse. I stopped when I was probably like, 25, 26. I have theories about why I did it.
I don't know if those theories are true, but I was very smart about it. It started with pens, and then I actually moved to nail clippers. I would literally nail clip the skin off, which is terrifying. And then I moved to scissors and then I moved to box cutter blades. Once I moved to scissors, I started cleaning the area before I cut, I started cleaning the instruments before I cut, and then I cleaned and wrapped the scars afterwards. Which is more a sign of someone who's trying to get away with it rather than have people see it.
I had control over nothing, or it felt like that as a teenager.
I was severely depressed. I attempted suicide. I was in the hospital for it. The time in the hospital was particularly horrible. And it did not stop [the cutting]. It made it worse.
I think it's why I shifted to getting tattoos. The pain that you get when you're getting a tattoo is actually very similar to the pain that you get when you cut. So weirdly, getting tattoos is, it's like a fun, different way for me to get to experience that pain again, but in a healthy way, even though it's not healthy at all.
I'm in therapy now, so that's good. I'm doing a lot better. I'm not great, but I don't do that anymore, so that's good. I do think about it, especially when I'm pretty depressed. It’s almost always the first thing I think of, but I don't do it, which is a good thing.
How I feel about my body? It's like a weird mixed bag. I hate my body. I don't like the way I look, really. But I think I have a cute face. I have other people tell me that I am attractive. I feel like it's probably an opinion a lot of people have about their bodies, even like the people who are ripped or work out five days a week.
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