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So naturally, like many other women and femme-presenting people, and even masculine people, I am ashamed of, or I was really ashamed of my body growing up. The beauty standards, especially growing up as a kid in the 2000s and 2010s, were especially fatphobic. So I grew up thinking, "I'll never find anyone to love me. I'm never going to find anyone who will accept me for who I am."
I was not addicted to sex, but I was having a lot of sex to feel better about myself. "I'm never going to find someone who actually loves my body." And then I met my fiancée who said, "Your stretch marks are beautiful." And I don't know why I responded like this...
I was like, "What the fuck?" And he was like, "Yes, your stretch marks are beautiful." And he traced them and stuff. And I was like, "Huh, I don't know how to take this information," but we've been together for seven years. So clearly he thinks they're still pretty. And then with the body positivity movement, people taking photos of themselves with their stretch marks, and Lizzo and her body parts and her contributions to the body positivity movement, just made me feel more empowered.
Before my back was all crooked and wobbly and lumpy. And while it's still lumpy and stuff, I'm happier that it's straighter. So I feel more happy and outgoing and, cosmetically, it makes me feel more empowered. Like even though I have this huge scar on my back, I'm a survivor. And it was kind of satisfying knowing that even though I had this big scar, one of the first things I said, as soon as I woke up while high off of my ass on drugs was, "I'm pretty now. I'm pretty now."
And it felt liberating to feel more confident about my body and to feel less pain because that was... I don't want that on my worst enemy.
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